I think I'm finally getting it

Anna: I don't even know what love is.
Olaf the Snowman: That's okay. I do. Love is putting someone else's needs before yours.
             - Frozen

Just about six years into this adventure we call parenting, I think I'm finally getting it. I've long understood the quote above, although it's not always the easiest to follow. Who among us wouldn't rather sleep an extra 30 minutes rather than get up to watch cartoons at 6:30 on a Saturday even though it means missing those 30 minutes with our littles? (I'm sure there are some of you out there, but I really think you're in the minority...)

I had a bit of a revelation over the past week taking a BuzzFeed quizz about what kind of parent I am and was a bit shocked with the answer. The General. Strict and controlling. I couldn't have been more surprised. Not that these quizzes are the true definition of anyone, but still. Is that really me? Am I more worried about schedule and rules than I am having fun with my kids?

That's when it hit me. I want my kids' memories of me to be good ones. Not the mom that loses her crap on a daily basis over them bickering, or the one that is too busy washing dishes to sit down and color. I want to be the one that says yes more than no, even if it means making the millionth rainbow loom bracelet this week and for their memories to be full of my face lit in sunlight, not the glow of my iPhone. My own memories of my childhood are full of loving moments, shared secrets, and the one time I actually got spanked with a Girl Scout manual (I totally deserved it).  As much as I hate to think it, tomorrow is not promised. I wonder if someone was to extract my kids memories of me what they would find.

I'm sure I won't be perfect on this endeavor, and there will still be rules and expectations. But the next time someone asks for a drink and I've just sat down on the couch, I'll say "Sure, what would you like?" rather than "But I just sat down." 
 
And so, with that, I'm off to enjoy rather than dread a snow day with my kids. It's time to make memories.

So which is it?

My 5-yr old daughter brought her school photo home today. She looks beautiful of course, but I'm biased. I posted it on Facebook for our friends and family to see. They too said she's beautiful and I got a few of the "she's your mini-me" comments which lead me to a realization.

If everyone says she's my mini-me and I think that she's beautiful, why don't I see myself that way? Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm ugly, but I also don't find myself beautiful. Cute? Sure. Occasionally, I take a photo where I even think I look pretty. But beautiful? Hot? Nope.

(Side note: My husband will tell you people post things like this on Facebook or wherever in order to get their friends to tell them they are pretty and boost their ego, but that isn't my intention.)

On the flip side, I have a friend who is beautiful and knows it. She gets torn to shreds by other people, women mostly, for being beautiful and openly admitting that she knows it. Most of the time they do it behind her back or worse, in my opinion, while hiding behind a computer screen.

We are told to have self-confidence but are sold a million and one ways to improve ourselves -- diet pills, make-up, hair straighteners, plastic surgery. And when we find confidence in our looks we're seen as vain, conceited, having a "better than you" attitude.

So which is it that is acceptable? To know that you are beautiful and be proud of it or to be beautiful and not realize it?

It seems like neither which makes it that much more puzzling to me.

How do I raise a girl in this world who is confident in her looks, in her smarts, and in her abilities in a world that makes a profit playing on our insecurities and allowing total strangers to rip us apart because when we have confidence?

For now I suppose I have to work on my own confidence for her because that is how they learn the most -- by example. I'm going to try Sammy. I'm going to try.

The good fight

Just like any parent, I struggle dealing with my kids at times. My 5-yr old daughter is very headstrong (I can't imagine where she gets it from) and my 2-1/2 yr old is still relatively non-verbal, making communicating a challenge.

A little over a week ago, my daughter had a MASSIVE meltdown on the way to school because I corrected her in front of her friends which meant she then had to walk with me instead of her friends -- the horror!! Just a few minutes after the moms and littles got back home after drop off, a neighbor rang my doorbell and handed over this book:

I have to admit, I groaned a little inside. I've read countless articles about changing my child's behavior and never saw any real results. It sat on my nightstand for about a week before I cracked it open. Nothing in particular triggered it, other than maybe my guilt that I still had the book in my possession. Might as well take a look before I return it. You never know, right?

Wow. I mean WOW. Although this book started off like a lot of other parenting advice (give your child choices, pay more attention, etc.) it had a firmer approach than most others nowadays. Say no and walk away. Say what??? I can say no. That's not the issue. But walk away as my 5-yr old continues to ask me "why can't I have a friend over?" and not answer her? Unheard of. She and I are master debaters with each other -- making our cases until one of us compromises, or on rare occasion, caves. The same advice is given for having your kids do things. Tell them once and walk away. If they don't do it and they're late for school, oh well. Didn't eat and now dinner is over? Oh well. You mean no more having an entire meal consist of "eat your dinner?" Again, unheard of, especially in our house.

Little by little, I've been employing the tactics in the book and I am actually seeing results. There's certainly a lot less yelling on my part and my kids are figuring out that they don't need me for every single thing. Example -- as I type this, my son says "Mom, elly." (He wants his toy elephant.) I told him "you get it" and went back to typing. A few "No, you mom" whines later, he gave up, got up, and got the toy. Success!!

So, thanks neighbor. You know who you are!

Safe Place, Safe Person

As I've chronicled before, my 4-year old daughter and I can have days when we are like oil and water. Today is one of those days. It began when my husband left for Afghanistan and I could have sworn she would stop when he got home. But, here we are, six months later and the outbursts and insults continue.

Yesterday she had a very public meltdown in the middle of our street, literally. We went out to ride bikes and one of her friends was outside at the same time. After her friend went inside, the downward spiral began. "Mom, can I see if xxx wants to play?" Lucky me got to be the bearer of bad news -- they're doing homework, they're not home, they're playing somewhere else, etc. Then, she spotted some kids down the road and ran over to see what they were doing. She proceeded to run back to me, begging to go play. "Were you invited to play?" I asked (we have this conversation A LOT about not inviting yourself) and I got the usual "No... But they're my friends." It's hard to get a 4-year old to understand that sometimes kids don't want to include everyone. I'm not sure if it was her not being invited or me saying no but I was quickly on the receiving end of a lot of yelling and crying. After several attempts of being very calm and trying to get her to settle down, I told her I was going inside. Her meltdown continued for the neighbors to see, bike helmet still on her head. *sigh*

Today, I was on the receiving end of several comments including "you're so mean," "I wish dad stayed home instead of you," and "I want dad to take me bed every night not you." Psychologists and child 'experts' will tell you that kids are abusive (so to speak) to the person they know isn't going anywhere. Their "safe place."

As nice as it is to know that I'm her rock, I hate the abuse. I already feel like an "okay" mom and the negative comments don't help me feel like I'm winning Mother of the Year anytime soon. All they do is get me upset and angry to the point of silently cursing her in my head or making a strangling motion when her back is turned to me.

Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Forty days

I'm Catholic and it's Lent. Naturally, the guilt has kicked in and I've been thinking of what I can give up for the season. I racked my brain for a few days with little result. Then, I was at a meeting with other Catholic women and we talked about Lent and how it doesn't mean having to give up something, it can be an opportunity to give to others or to improve your life. With that said, I'm going with improving my life by stopping swearing. I told my husband my plan last night and he said "Shouldn't you choose something you KNOW you can do?"

He has a point. I don't think I'm a potty mouth by any means, but when I get angry or upset, they certainly flow with ease. But I've decided to (try and) put and end to it. This will include all the regular curse words and some of the substitute ones (like frickin'). In truth, I'm doing it not just for me, but for my kids.

Side story: My 4-year old has used frickin' twice. Once, when she came in our room to wake us up and said "Ugh... I can't turn this frickin' fan off" and then again when I took her to a kids' haircut place and she said "There's TVs frickin' everywhere." We've since had the talk about how that is not a kid word. 

So, here's to trying! Hopefully I won't end up like this instead:

A blessing and a curse

I don't know about you, but the holidays were crazy around here. We live in a four-bedroom townhouse style home. It's not large by any means, but it holds us (and all our stuff) pretty well. This being our first Christmas back within driving distance of our family, I knew it was going to be crazy. I had the kids do a pre-Christmas purge (thank you Elf on the Shelf) which emptied the toy room considerably and freed up lots of space in their toy box.

But then Christmas came. Despite my pleas to the three sets of grandparents to keep it under control, the kids got a lot of stuff. And I mean A LOT. We are blessed with a very generous family.

My husband and I didn't ask for anything except money to put toward an iPad. We wound up with a refurbished model from Apple which is turning out to be a blessing and a curse. It is definitely helping me to save my phone battery and is much easier on my 39-year old eyes when browsing websites or playing games. However, it's a curse because it's just one more thing for the kids to fight over. 

Sam has had an iPod for years so she's accustomed to navigating it, knowing how the apps work, etc. She's darn tech savvy for being four. Danny on the other hand wants to play with it but doesn't have the ability to do it well. In the middle of watching Mickey Mouse, he hits the home button and the show ends. Tears ensue. I've tried finding more age friendly apps, but I'm coming up short. 

All technology is really a blessing and a curse though, isn't it? In a world where you can instantly communicate with someone, you also expect them to instantly communicate back. I've found myself staring at my phone thinking What could you possibly be doing? This is important! But really, was it that important? Nobody was dying. I wasn't in a car crash. I just needed to know if we needed more milk so I didn't have to make a second trip.

And then there are the expectations of social media -- sympathy for your crappy day, compliments on a new pair of shoes, for people to agree with your political views, birthday wishes, etc. What it gets us instead is a cyber-fight or at it's best, a new perspective.

(On a side note, somehow I got sucked into Instagram and follow a few celebs. Sometimes I wonder if they feel like their lives are a blessing and a curse. On one side you have the money and the recognition and on the other you have people you don't even know calling you ugly, evil or a myriad of other insults.)

One of my New Year's wishes was to try and be less "connected" -- separate myself from the iPhone more often, stop compulsively checking Facebook, only play my game apps a few times a day -- and try to connect more to those I love in person. It's a work in progress, but at least I'm making progress. Hopefully it will be more of a blessing than a curse.

PS -- Speaking of those we love, I got an unexpected present on Christmas Eve. My very own easy button, courtesy of my dad. I guess he reads this afterall! Love you dad  xoxo

Christmas is for giving

Despite my complaints, I know that I am lucky. I have two healthy children, a roof over my head, food on the table, and are relatively debt-free. I do my best to give to others during the Christmas season and want to teach my kids to do the same. See, they're a bit spoiled. They have three sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles who all hear "I like Jake" and next thing you know there's Jake plates and t-shirts and toys and books. Admittedly, sometimes I'm not much better.

This year I'm starting a new tradition with the kids. They will be receiving a letter from their Elf, Jack. The letter is from Santa looking for their help to give him toys for other children who don't have as much as they do and to put the items in a special sack he has sent. Once they're collected, I plan on donating them to a local church.

The letter is kind of cheesy, but here it is in case anyone else wants to use it. Obviously, Santa still needs to sign it. You can get your own Santa sack here.

100 to zero and back again

Ah, post-deployment. It's a time of adjustment. Of changes and confusion. Of learning what life is like together again and how you fit in. And that was just me!

There's a lot of focus within the military community about helping service members readjust to life back on the homefront but nothing that I have seen for spouses. I went from being everything to our two kids to being replaced in an instant. It went from "mommy, mommy" to "daddy, daddy" and it felt weird. What about all I had done for the past 7 months? Doing all the chores, all the driving, all the bedtime stories, and kissing all the boo-boos? Did they not notice?

But then a few days passed and suddenly my husband was the one thrown to the back burner. It was "mommy, mommy" again. For a little while it felt good -- they do need me. But them the calls for daddy got less frequent and even if he was standing right there with nothing to do and I was elbow deep in dishes, I heard "mommy can I have" or "mommy will you get" and I felt my blood start to simmer. Why not ask dad? Is it because "mommy, mommy" was our pattern for so long or do they prefer me for certain things?

I expected things to go differently. That the everyday stuff would be more evenly divided, like it was before he left. This is not a dig at my hubby in any way -- he is more than willing (and wanting) to help but there are moments the kids literally won't let him.

Maybe I'm not back at 100. But definitely at least 92.

The second time around

You would think that after having the first child, that the second would be easy. You'd remember all the tricks of the trade so to speak. Yeah, no so much.

Some of it I think was my brain protecting me. Like forgetting about having the catheter after you give birth. But there are also more day-to-day things like I've forgotten to check to make sure I have diapers and wipes with me. A change of clothes for the kid in case there's an extra bad diaper or food everywhere. A bib. Toys to occupy the baby.

Today, as I sat at my dining room table trying to feed baby D his dinner, I realized that I don't have the slightest clue what I tried feeding his big sister as her first foods. I actually broke out some of my parenting books to try and jog my memory. Of course, she is a super picky eater so I'd like to try and correct that this time around.

So far we've tried Cheerios (hates them), grapes (so-so), apples (so-so), pineapple (so-so), fries (loves), chicken nuggets (loves), ice cream (loves), yogurt (loves), pancakes (nope), broccoli (nope), plain pasta (likes), and rice (so-so).

What am I not remembering????

Don't take it personally

I've heard that phrase a lot recently, mostly in regards to my daughter. As I've mentioned before, she is really acting out with her father being deployed. Part of the acting out is saying awful things to me and doing things she knows she shouldn't do. Here are some examples from yesterday alone:

- I don't want to live with you. I want to live with... (grandma, aunt/uncle, nana, etc)
- You're a bad mommy
- You don't love me all the time
- This house is yucky and it's your fault
- But it didn't hurt, he's not crying (in response to being yelled at for hitting her brother with a toy)
- You're mean, you won't play with me (not true btw)

Then there were the countless times she pushed or hit her brother, stuck her tongue out at me or misbehaved in some other way.

Her bad behavior is making me act like an abused spouse. When I hear her call me, I involuntarily cringe. When she starts in on me about whatever, I sit there and take it. I cry quietly in the bathroom. I count the hours until she goes to bed.

Deep down, I know that it's not me. She's reacting to this incredibly difficult situation and she's frustrated because she can't change it. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. All I can do is keep surviving and hope that today things are different.

Is it them or is it us?

Hang around any group of married women for more than say... 30 minutes?... and you're likely to hear at least one of them complain about their husband. If said couple has children, it might only take 20 minutes. I'm not going to lie and say that I never complain about mine. I think it's human nature (and too many TV shows, movies, songs, etc. that make life out to be perfect when the truth is far from it but that's a blog for another time). 

Anyway, I got to thinking today -- is the real problem them or is it us?

I've heard my husband tell me time and again, leave the dishes I'll do them. Or, why don't you make plans with your friends, I'll watch the kids. But how often do I take him up on the offer? Maybe once every twenty times. (I'm kinda surprised he keeps offering with as many times as I've said no.)  Could all the times I've said "no, I've got it" be why he doesn't jump in when the kids need a bath or he doesn't drop everything when he hears the "I'm hungry" call from across the room? Have I inadvertently trained him to wait for me to ask him to do these kind of things instead of just doing them?

I remember a long time ago, probably right after getting married, having a conversation with a high school friend of mine. We were lamenting about being newlyweds, taking care of a house, having full time jobs, etc. The gist of the conversation was that as women, we have been told from the time we were little girls that we could have it all, do it all, be it all, but that nobody told us how. Were we just supposed to learn by watching our moms who managed to work, run a household, and still stay sane?

Do we, as a gender, have a Wonder Woman complex? You know, the "I can handle it all on my own" borderline control freak behavior that exhausts us day after day, yet we don't stop and ask anyone for help and even when we do ask, we feel like we've failed?

Well, I for one am hanging up my golden lasso. If people are willing to help, I'm going to let them. And honey, if you're reading this, I'm going to take you up on your offers more often. Maybe one out of ten ;)

By the way, if you're a mom like me who likes to laugh and could use some good old "yeah, that happens to me too" check out the Momastery blog or follow it on Facebook.

It's just routine

Just about everything I've read and/or been told about parenting is that establishing routines are good for kids. It gives them a sense of consistency and they take comfort in knowing what is going to happen next. When my daughter was younger, I really took that to heart and we still follow a routine each day.

But what happens when the routine turns on you?

Before we moved, each night my daughter would get her dessert, go to the bathroom, brush her teeth, get her PJs on, get a book read to her and then it was lights out. I'd say 90% of the time she did it without much hassle.

Post-move it's been another situation entirely. She fights going to the bathroom. She dawdles picking out her PJs. She mulls over her book selection like her very life may depend on reading "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" instead of "Dear Zoo". And then there's the questions. What's the weather tomorrow? What are we doing? and so on. I went so far as to institute a three question maximum as part of our routine so that she can't suck me in to staying in her room longer than necessary.

I don't know what my next move is. Do I make a new routine and hope that it breaks the bad behavior and risk it upsetting her "comfort"? Do I stick to what we know and suck up her being a pain?

Ah the mundane yet critical decisions of parenting...

I want you to know...

It has taken me a long time to be comfortable with who I am. But, here I am at age 38, and I can finally say with 100% honesty love me or hate me, take me or leave me, it doesn't matter to me. Here are a few of the "life lessons" I've learned that I want my kids to know.

Be you.
I know, this seems to be an obvious one but how many people can honestly say that they are true themselves all of the time? I know for a long time I couldn't. I tried to change my look, my hair, my clothes, the way I behaved -- all in an attempt to fit in. But at the end of the day I wasn't being me. So, it should have come as no surprise when the people I changed for or no longer my friends because their friendship wasn't with me, it was with an alternate version of me.

Don't try to change anyone.
On a related note, don't try to change someone else. People only change when they WANT to change. as much as you want the other person to be happy with their job, their career, their relationships, it is up to them to make the change. That's not to say that you can't be supportive or offer opinions and suggestions, but in the end they have to do it, not you.

Be honest.
Sometimes the things you will say will, quite frankly, make people mad. You might as well have them be angry with you for your honest opinion and not for something that you think they want to hear.

Stand up for yourself.
Nobody in your adult life, and I mean NOBODY, will ever stand up for you 100%. People will always talk behind your back. It's in our nature. But when you know about it, stand up for yourself. No matter what is said make sure that everyone knows the truth about you.

Stand up for others.
Not everyone has the strength to do for themselves. It's okay to do it for them until they can find their strength.

Be kind.
It's been said that if you gathered a hundred people and everyone put their problems on the table, nobody would trade problems and everyone would walk away with their own and I tend to agree. Yes, you will have days (maybe even weeks) when you feel like the sky is falling. But that doesn't mean you have the right to treat others poorly. Everyone's problems are their reality and even if they seem happy on the outside, their world could be crumbling behind closed doors. So be kind. Be generous when you can. Not just with your money, but with your time, with your patience, with your love.

Trust your gut.
Even when the decision seems right in your mind or your heart, listen to your gut. It will never steer you wrong.

Have faith.
Even when everything is falling apart around you, have faith. It could be faith in your family, in your friends, in your spouse, in God. You will get through it.

Know you are loved.
People will come and go in your life. The people who leave will go not because of who you are but because of who they are. Those who are meant to be in your life will be there, no matter what.

My heart hurts

Deployments aren't easy on anyone -- the service member, their spouse, children, parents, etc. For the past few weeks, my 4-year old has been taking her anger and sadness out on me. It's been incredibly frustrating and, quite honestly, hard to take. You don't expect a 4-year old to look at you and tell you they don't want to live with you or try to hit you or kick you. You tell yourself they are hurting and can't express it properly but it doesn't make it easier to accept, especially in the moment.

Today, she broke my heart. We were at the birthday party of a friend of mine's son. She was hesitant which was understandable because she didn't know the other kids, only the birthday boy. As we stood there in our "stand off" about if she was going in or not, she started to cry. But it wasn't the defiant cry I've grown used to seeing. It was a cry of pain, of hurt. The crying turned into sobbing and she finally muttered "Mom please don't leave me never ever." It took every ounce of me not to sob with her (even writing this, I'm fighting tears). Apparently she blurted out to my brother this morning "My dad is in the Army. He's far away." I guess it has been on her mind all day.

The worst part is I know there are no words to make her feel better despite me promising that I'm not going anywhere. I know that no matter how much I hug her and tell her I love her I can't fill the void of her Dad being gone.

I can't stop her heart from hurting and I can't stop mine either.

If it wasn't for bad luck...

If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. My mom used to tell me that and I swear she's right.

Today started off badly. The baby woke up at 5:25am wanting to eat. Once he was done I decided to put him back in bed with me, hoping he'd doze and I could catch a few more minutes of sleep as well. Instead he decided to spit up all over my bed.

We went downstairs to change his now soaked PJs and he began to scream, waking up my daughter. She was not happy.

The morning continued with various mishaps -- a leaking refrigerator, snapped Ziploc freeze bag pump, bad poop diaper from the baby -- not to mention the HOUR I spent on-and-off hold with AT&T because... wait for it... my week old iPhone 4S isn't working. Well, the phone itself works but when I connect it to charge or sync it's not recognizing that it's connected unless I hard reboot it. The resolution? I have to go to the Apple store (about 40 minutes away) to the Genius bar and have them look at it. If they agree that's the problem, they *might* be able to replace it. I say might because they wouldn't tell the AT&T rep if they had any of my phone in stock. So... I might get one today, I might have to go back once they get more in stock. Yay!

Is it 8pm yet???

Choices have consequences

Ok world, I need your opinion.

Twice today, my dd (who is 3 yrs old) made a decision, only to renege on it a few minutes later and then proceed to pitch a fit. For example:

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
DD: Yogurt.
Me: Big one or small one?
DD: Big
(I open the big one and hand it to her)
DD: Nooooooo! I want a small one. I don't want this one.
Me: You told me you wanted a big one so that's what I opened. Now you have to eat it.
DD: Nooooo. (more whining, etc.)
Me: No more whining. You said you wanted a big one, I opened it for you and now you have to eat it. I'm not getting something else for you for breakfast.

Typed out it sounds a lot harsher than I think I delivered it but that's another story altogether. Later in the day she decided she wanted to try strawberry milk (yay for trying since she's a VERY picky eater) but when she chose it, I told her that if she didn't like it, I wasn't going to buy another one. Of course, she took about 4 sips, told me she liked it, but then refused to drink any more. She then decided to plead with me that she was sooooo thirsty and please would I buy her regular milk to which I told her no.

Choices have consequences. But is she too young to learn that or for me to try to teach her?

Why Hawaii can suck

DD has outgrown her swing set. So, I've been on the hunt for a new one. I found a great set on sale from $189 to $99 at Kmart. I checked out the reviews, made sure it wasn't too large, etc. And then I saw it. "Click here for Alaska and Hawaii pricing." I clicked. I threw up in my mouth a little. In Hawaii, the same swing set costs $206! More than the MSRP!!!

My neighbor and I agreed we'd split the cost of the set so we've both been on the hunt. She suggested Walmart's Site-to-Store. Again, found a great set for a great price ($149) but Hawaii isn't eligible for Site-to-Store service. Grrrr... I've even been stalking Craigslist everyday with no luck.

Oh, and did I mention that when DH put on a t-shirt last night, there was a centipede in it?!?!?

*sigh*

Am I filling the landfills or are they?

As I made dinner last night, I threw away a decent amount of plastic items. See, in Hawaii, we only recycle #1 and #2 (which I find ironic given the whole "Keep the Country County" campaign but that's something for another day). A lot of items are packaged in #5 containers which just wind up in the trash. So it got me thinking -- who is more to blame? Me who is buying the containers or the companies that produce them that are taking the (I assume) cheap route in using #5 instead of 1 or 2?

After a little Googling, I found out that I could save my #5 containers and give them to a program called "Gimme 5" which has drop offs at Whole Foods. The only problem?... No Whole Foods near me.

*sigh*

30 days to a better parent

Like most parents, I try to do my best on a day-to-day basis. But with a 3 year old and a 4 month old, things an get pretty stressful. I found myself getting overly angry or upset about things that are just everyday life. So a few days ago, I vowed to myself to be a better parent. To be more patient, listen more, play more and put off chores when I can. I shut off the iPhone notification sounds for my email and games so I wouldn't be tempted and I generally have my laptop powered down so I can take a minute and think about if I really need to get on it right that second or if it can wait.

I've come to realize that part of my frustration with parenting is that I expect my 3 year old to listen. That probably sounds ridiculous but it's a real issue with me. I know she can hear me. I know she can listen. But sometimes she chooses not to. I've heard other parents say how they too catch themselves expecting their kids to be "little adults" but that's not the way it works. I'm trying to remember that.

Anyway, back to the 30 days. I am trying not to yell unless it's 100% necessary (i.e. not staying next to me in a parking lot).  I made it through two days with great success despite frustrating events. Yesterday, I had a small slip. This morning, a bigger one. Here's hoping I can get back on track.