The good fight

Just like any parent, I struggle dealing with my kids at times. My 5-yr old daughter is very headstrong (I can't imagine where she gets it from) and my 2-1/2 yr old is still relatively non-verbal, making communicating a challenge.

A little over a week ago, my daughter had a MASSIVE meltdown on the way to school because I corrected her in front of her friends which meant she then had to walk with me instead of her friends -- the horror!! Just a few minutes after the moms and littles got back home after drop off, a neighbor rang my doorbell and handed over this book:

I have to admit, I groaned a little inside. I've read countless articles about changing my child's behavior and never saw any real results. It sat on my nightstand for about a week before I cracked it open. Nothing in particular triggered it, other than maybe my guilt that I still had the book in my possession. Might as well take a look before I return it. You never know, right?

Wow. I mean WOW. Although this book started off like a lot of other parenting advice (give your child choices, pay more attention, etc.) it had a firmer approach than most others nowadays. Say no and walk away. Say what??? I can say no. That's not the issue. But walk away as my 5-yr old continues to ask me "why can't I have a friend over?" and not answer her? Unheard of. She and I are master debaters with each other -- making our cases until one of us compromises, or on rare occasion, caves. The same advice is given for having your kids do things. Tell them once and walk away. If they don't do it and they're late for school, oh well. Didn't eat and now dinner is over? Oh well. You mean no more having an entire meal consist of "eat your dinner?" Again, unheard of, especially in our house.

Little by little, I've been employing the tactics in the book and I am actually seeing results. There's certainly a lot less yelling on my part and my kids are figuring out that they don't need me for every single thing. Example -- as I type this, my son says "Mom, elly." (He wants his toy elephant.) I told him "you get it" and went back to typing. A few "No, you mom" whines later, he gave up, got up, and got the toy. Success!!

So, thanks neighbor. You know who you are!

Safe Place, Safe Person

As I've chronicled before, my 4-year old daughter and I can have days when we are like oil and water. Today is one of those days. It began when my husband left for Afghanistan and I could have sworn she would stop when he got home. But, here we are, six months later and the outbursts and insults continue.

Yesterday she had a very public meltdown in the middle of our street, literally. We went out to ride bikes and one of her friends was outside at the same time. After her friend went inside, the downward spiral began. "Mom, can I see if xxx wants to play?" Lucky me got to be the bearer of bad news -- they're doing homework, they're not home, they're playing somewhere else, etc. Then, she spotted some kids down the road and ran over to see what they were doing. She proceeded to run back to me, begging to go play. "Were you invited to play?" I asked (we have this conversation A LOT about not inviting yourself) and I got the usual "No... But they're my friends." It's hard to get a 4-year old to understand that sometimes kids don't want to include everyone. I'm not sure if it was her not being invited or me saying no but I was quickly on the receiving end of a lot of yelling and crying. After several attempts of being very calm and trying to get her to settle down, I told her I was going inside. Her meltdown continued for the neighbors to see, bike helmet still on her head. *sigh*

Today, I was on the receiving end of several comments including "you're so mean," "I wish dad stayed home instead of you," and "I want dad to take me bed every night not you." Psychologists and child 'experts' will tell you that kids are abusive (so to speak) to the person they know isn't going anywhere. Their "safe place."

As nice as it is to know that I'm her rock, I hate the abuse. I already feel like an "okay" mom and the negative comments don't help me feel like I'm winning Mother of the Year anytime soon. All they do is get me upset and angry to the point of silently cursing her in my head or making a strangling motion when her back is turned to me.

Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Forty days

I'm Catholic and it's Lent. Naturally, the guilt has kicked in and I've been thinking of what I can give up for the season. I racked my brain for a few days with little result. Then, I was at a meeting with other Catholic women and we talked about Lent and how it doesn't mean having to give up something, it can be an opportunity to give to others or to improve your life. With that said, I'm going with improving my life by stopping swearing. I told my husband my plan last night and he said "Shouldn't you choose something you KNOW you can do?"

He has a point. I don't think I'm a potty mouth by any means, but when I get angry or upset, they certainly flow with ease. But I've decided to (try and) put and end to it. This will include all the regular curse words and some of the substitute ones (like frickin'). In truth, I'm doing it not just for me, but for my kids.

Side story: My 4-year old has used frickin' twice. Once, when she came in our room to wake us up and said "Ugh... I can't turn this frickin' fan off" and then again when I took her to a kids' haircut place and she said "There's TVs frickin' everywhere." We've since had the talk about how that is not a kid word. 

So, here's to trying! Hopefully I won't end up like this instead:

A blessing and a curse

I don't know about you, but the holidays were crazy around here. We live in a four-bedroom townhouse style home. It's not large by any means, but it holds us (and all our stuff) pretty well. This being our first Christmas back within driving distance of our family, I knew it was going to be crazy. I had the kids do a pre-Christmas purge (thank you Elf on the Shelf) which emptied the toy room considerably and freed up lots of space in their toy box.

But then Christmas came. Despite my pleas to the three sets of grandparents to keep it under control, the kids got a lot of stuff. And I mean A LOT. We are blessed with a very generous family.

My husband and I didn't ask for anything except money to put toward an iPad. We wound up with a refurbished model from Apple which is turning out to be a blessing and a curse. It is definitely helping me to save my phone battery and is much easier on my 39-year old eyes when browsing websites or playing games. However, it's a curse because it's just one more thing for the kids to fight over. 

Sam has had an iPod for years so she's accustomed to navigating it, knowing how the apps work, etc. She's darn tech savvy for being four. Danny on the other hand wants to play with it but doesn't have the ability to do it well. In the middle of watching Mickey Mouse, he hits the home button and the show ends. Tears ensue. I've tried finding more age friendly apps, but I'm coming up short. 

All technology is really a blessing and a curse though, isn't it? In a world where you can instantly communicate with someone, you also expect them to instantly communicate back. I've found myself staring at my phone thinking What could you possibly be doing? This is important! But really, was it that important? Nobody was dying. I wasn't in a car crash. I just needed to know if we needed more milk so I didn't have to make a second trip.

And then there are the expectations of social media -- sympathy for your crappy day, compliments on a new pair of shoes, for people to agree with your political views, birthday wishes, etc. What it gets us instead is a cyber-fight or at it's best, a new perspective.

(On a side note, somehow I got sucked into Instagram and follow a few celebs. Sometimes I wonder if they feel like their lives are a blessing and a curse. On one side you have the money and the recognition and on the other you have people you don't even know calling you ugly, evil or a myriad of other insults.)

One of my New Year's wishes was to try and be less "connected" -- separate myself from the iPhone more often, stop compulsively checking Facebook, only play my game apps a few times a day -- and try to connect more to those I love in person. It's a work in progress, but at least I'm making progress. Hopefully it will be more of a blessing than a curse.

PS -- Speaking of those we love, I got an unexpected present on Christmas Eve. My very own easy button, courtesy of my dad. I guess he reads this afterall! Love you dad  xoxo

Don't take it personally

I've heard that phrase a lot recently, mostly in regards to my daughter. As I've mentioned before, she is really acting out with her father being deployed. Part of the acting out is saying awful things to me and doing things she knows she shouldn't do. Here are some examples from yesterday alone:

- I don't want to live with you. I want to live with... (grandma, aunt/uncle, nana, etc)
- You're a bad mommy
- You don't love me all the time
- This house is yucky and it's your fault
- But it didn't hurt, he's not crying (in response to being yelled at for hitting her brother with a toy)
- You're mean, you won't play with me (not true btw)

Then there were the countless times she pushed or hit her brother, stuck her tongue out at me or misbehaved in some other way.

Her bad behavior is making me act like an abused spouse. When I hear her call me, I involuntarily cringe. When she starts in on me about whatever, I sit there and take it. I cry quietly in the bathroom. I count the hours until she goes to bed.

Deep down, I know that it's not me. She's reacting to this incredibly difficult situation and she's frustrated because she can't change it. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. All I can do is keep surviving and hope that today things are different.

It's just routine

Just about everything I've read and/or been told about parenting is that establishing routines are good for kids. It gives them a sense of consistency and they take comfort in knowing what is going to happen next. When my daughter was younger, I really took that to heart and we still follow a routine each day.

But what happens when the routine turns on you?

Before we moved, each night my daughter would get her dessert, go to the bathroom, brush her teeth, get her PJs on, get a book read to her and then it was lights out. I'd say 90% of the time she did it without much hassle.

Post-move it's been another situation entirely. She fights going to the bathroom. She dawdles picking out her PJs. She mulls over her book selection like her very life may depend on reading "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" instead of "Dear Zoo". And then there's the questions. What's the weather tomorrow? What are we doing? and so on. I went so far as to institute a three question maximum as part of our routine so that she can't suck me in to staying in her room longer than necessary.

I don't know what my next move is. Do I make a new routine and hope that it breaks the bad behavior and risk it upsetting her "comfort"? Do I stick to what we know and suck up her being a pain?

Ah the mundane yet critical decisions of parenting...

My heart hurts

Deployments aren't easy on anyone -- the service member, their spouse, children, parents, etc. For the past few weeks, my 4-year old has been taking her anger and sadness out on me. It's been incredibly frustrating and, quite honestly, hard to take. You don't expect a 4-year old to look at you and tell you they don't want to live with you or try to hit you or kick you. You tell yourself they are hurting and can't express it properly but it doesn't make it easier to accept, especially in the moment.

Today, she broke my heart. We were at the birthday party of a friend of mine's son. She was hesitant which was understandable because she didn't know the other kids, only the birthday boy. As we stood there in our "stand off" about if she was going in or not, she started to cry. But it wasn't the defiant cry I've grown used to seeing. It was a cry of pain, of hurt. The crying turned into sobbing and she finally muttered "Mom please don't leave me never ever." It took every ounce of me not to sob with her (even writing this, I'm fighting tears). Apparently she blurted out to my brother this morning "My dad is in the Army. He's far away." I guess it has been on her mind all day.

The worst part is I know there are no words to make her feel better despite me promising that I'm not going anywhere. I know that no matter how much I hug her and tell her I love her I can't fill the void of her Dad being gone.

I can't stop her heart from hurting and I can't stop mine either.

Am I filling the landfills or are they?

As I made dinner last night, I threw away a decent amount of plastic items. See, in Hawaii, we only recycle #1 and #2 (which I find ironic given the whole "Keep the Country County" campaign but that's something for another day). A lot of items are packaged in #5 containers which just wind up in the trash. So it got me thinking -- who is more to blame? Me who is buying the containers or the companies that produce them that are taking the (I assume) cheap route in using #5 instead of 1 or 2?

After a little Googling, I found out that I could save my #5 containers and give them to a program called "Gimme 5" which has drop offs at Whole Foods. The only problem?... No Whole Foods near me.

*sigh*

To fly or not to fly... That is the question

I'm homesick. Really, REALLY homesick. I'm trying to decide if taking a 10 hour flight with just me and the kids is feasible. I know I can keep dd occupied and ds should sleep most of the time. But what do I do when I need to pee? Surely all three of us can't fit in a teeny airplane bathroom.

*sigh*

I really can't decide...