What to be or not to be

In a little less than two years, my husband will retire from his Army career. It's been a roller coaster ride of a time full of ups and downs but I don't regret saying yes to bring an Army wife for one minute. We have been fortunate enough for me to be a stay-at-home mom to our two kids but, of course, that meant leaving my career in the dust (not like it was a "portable one" to begin with). 

With no true idea of where we will wind up, planning for my next career has my head spinning more than the Tilt-a-whirl at the boardwalk. My background is in marketing -- advertising, copywriting, proof reading. I've looked at jobs in my field online and it makes me nervous. Can I still do all those tasks in he job description? Is it like riding a bike? Will it all come back to me?

I've thought maybe jumping all in isn't the right strategy. So, I've looked for proof reading positions I can do from home with no luck. I've considered changing fields altogether. Am I willing to go back to (and pay for) school? What would be something I can do no matter where we wind up? There's almost too many options but I think I've narrowed it down to five:

- proof reading

- ultrasound tech

- real estate agent

- yoga instructor

- event planner

I just don't know and the panic is setting in. For real estate and ultrasounds, I would need to know where we are going to live because of state licensing. Proof readers aren't needed everywhere.  Event planning is a night and weekend job and I'm not sure how in demand yoga instructors are. 

Did I mention my head is swimming????

*sigh*

My heart hurts

Deployments aren't easy on anyone -- the service member, their spouse, children, parents, etc. For the past few weeks, my 4-year old has been taking her anger and sadness out on me. It's been incredibly frustrating and, quite honestly, hard to take. You don't expect a 4-year old to look at you and tell you they don't want to live with you or try to hit you or kick you. You tell yourself they are hurting and can't express it properly but it doesn't make it easier to accept, especially in the moment.

Today, she broke my heart. We were at the birthday party of a friend of mine's son. She was hesitant which was understandable because she didn't know the other kids, only the birthday boy. As we stood there in our "stand off" about if she was going in or not, she started to cry. But it wasn't the defiant cry I've grown used to seeing. It was a cry of pain, of hurt. The crying turned into sobbing and she finally muttered "Mom please don't leave me never ever." It took every ounce of me not to sob with her (even writing this, I'm fighting tears). Apparently she blurted out to my brother this morning "My dad is in the Army. He's far away." I guess it has been on her mind all day.

The worst part is I know there are no words to make her feel better despite me promising that I'm not going anywhere. I know that no matter how much I hug her and tell her I love her I can't fill the void of her Dad being gone.

I can't stop her heart from hurting and I can't stop mine either.

Control freak

I can be a bit of a control freak. I'm a planner. I like to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I love making lists and, consequently, crossing things off of them. One of my best Christmas presents was a label maker. 

The ironic part is that I'm also an Army wife and so my life is not my own. I've learned to write things in pencil, not pen and not to look more than a few days out when planning anything unless I'm ok with the fact that I might have to do it myself. I've gotten SO much better about things being up in the air and uncertain and have learned to be more "go with the flow." Just ask DH!

But if there's one thing that gives me heart palpitations, it's talking about our next PCS. And, today, DH met with his assignments officer to talk about what could be next for us. We already had one assignment "pulled" from us. Then, we were under the impression that we could be leaving our current location in early spring. Now, it looks like we are back to our usual summer rotation. But where to next? It's killing me not knowing and it will take every bit of strength I have left to resist pouncing on DH the minute he walks in to find out what he was told today.

I'm hoping for the mainland, but would love to be back on the east coast. Wish me luck!

For those dealing with the heat

I saw this on a friend's FB status and wanted to share...


I was going to complain about how hot it is... then I realized that at least: 
1.) it isn't 109 degrees
2.) I'm not 5,700 miles from home
3.) I'm not dressed in a full BDU uniform and helmet and carrying 70+ lbs. 
and 4.) there is very little chance that anyone will shoot at me or that I might drive over a bomb in the road today! 


Thanks to all who serve !!!
HOOAH!