A crisis of faith

I've been debating posting this for long time now. It's been running in my head for months now, but I guess I've been scared to hear the comments, feel the backlash, and maybe even alienate friends and family.

You see, I was raised Catholic. Roman Catholic to be exact. I received all of my sacraments, went to CCD, and even got married in a Catholic church. I considered myself to be a Catholic the majority of my life. But now, I'm not so sure.

I've been participating in a Bible study with other Catholic women and to be honest, I've felt like an impostor. There are things in my life that directly contradict my religion. For example, I divorced my Catholic ex-husband. We never had marriage annulled. (Heck, I'm pretty sure that means that technically, I'm not part of the Catholic Church anymore.) Based on my personal beliefs, I'd most likely be categorized as a "Cafeteria Catholic." In reading the passages for the study, I keep coming back to the thought that religion in the Bible seems so much simpler than in real life. God put forth Ten Commandments, the golden rule (to treat others as you would want to be treated), and sent his Son to teach us how to be good, God-loving people. But religion gas given us so many other rules to follow.

As I've mentioned before, I'm an avid reader of the blog Momastery. Amidst its silly stories about parenting, heart wrenching tales of people in need, and observations about everyday life there is a central theme -- Love wins.

Momastery has taken on a life of its own. It isn't just words on a screen, but a community of women who loves everyone, as they would themselves. Who donate money via love flash mobs to complete strangers because those strangers are in need and these women have the means to help. Who truly believe that love is all around even when you are so far down, you can't believe it still exists.

In a lot of ways, that is what I want my church to be. A place full of compassion, giving, and God's love no matter who you are.

Both of my kids have been baptized Catholic, despite my husband not being a Catholic himself. They have godparents and go to CCD and maybe in the end, that's how it will stay. Maybe I'll remain a Cafeteria Catholic and watch them partake in the same sacraments I did. I'm not really sure.

I will continue to follow God's Commandments and the Golden Rule, to thank Him every day for the health, happiness, and safety of myself, my husband, my children, and my friends and family. Right now, that's all I know.

Forty days

I'm Catholic and it's Lent. Naturally, the guilt has kicked in and I've been thinking of what I can give up for the season. I racked my brain for a few days with little result. Then, I was at a meeting with other Catholic women and we talked about Lent and how it doesn't mean having to give up something, it can be an opportunity to give to others or to improve your life. With that said, I'm going with improving my life by stopping swearing. I told my husband my plan last night and he said "Shouldn't you choose something you KNOW you can do?"

He has a point. I don't think I'm a potty mouth by any means, but when I get angry or upset, they certainly flow with ease. But I've decided to (try and) put and end to it. This will include all the regular curse words and some of the substitute ones (like frickin'). In truth, I'm doing it not just for me, but for my kids.

Side story: My 4-year old has used frickin' twice. Once, when she came in our room to wake us up and said "Ugh... I can't turn this frickin' fan off" and then again when I took her to a kids' haircut place and she said "There's TVs frickin' everywhere." We've since had the talk about how that is not a kid word. 

So, here's to trying! Hopefully I won't end up like this instead: