It's happening...

With 146 days to go until the big 4-0 (not that anyone is counting), my body has decided to give up little by little.

First to go, back in my late 20's/early 30's was my hair. The grays started popping up in my dark hair, shining like a beacon. In the beginning, I was able to pluck them out. But then they started to spread and multiply so the at-home coloring began. With two kids and at a constant state of lack of sleep, the coloring became more and more challenging so I bit the bullet and went to the salon. It's a little pricey, but it gives me a break and keeps the color from staining my towels and bathroom floor. Worth it.

Next was the body. I'm sure the two kids had something to do with this but I certainly haven't helped it either. You see, I was one of the lucky ones. Naturally thin. Could eat a reasonable amount of food without it immediately going to my stomach, thighs, or wherever else. But not anymore. My stomach is in a constant state of jello-like consistency (see it jiggle... watch it wiggle...). For months, I further slept-deprived myself by getting up at 6am to do an at-home workout DVD and saw little results for my stomach so I gave up. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. I'm not sure what to even do about it anymore.

A couple of days ago, I decided to enter a contest for one of my favorite shows, Project Runway. You had to submit a video telling them why you deserve a makeover. As I reviewed my iPhone video, I saw them. Wrinkles!! Creases at the corners of my eyes, lines across my forehead deepening, and laugh lines that the Joker would envy. Again, I have (or should I say had) been genetically blessed to look younger than my age but that seems to be disappearing too.

And then, yesterday, was the last straw. There are spider veins forming near my right knee. Tiny little lines laughing at me, giving another tell tale sign that my youth is behind me. *sigh*

The only good thing coming out of this 40 stuff is that I'm finally going to have a decent picture with Jon Bon Jovi (albeit with a lot more wrinkles) and not this one where I look like a crazy drowned rat and some random girl peeking over his shoulder in the background.

Safe Place, Safe Person

As I've chronicled before, my 4-year old daughter and I can have days when we are like oil and water. Today is one of those days. It began when my husband left for Afghanistan and I could have sworn she would stop when he got home. But, here we are, six months later and the outbursts and insults continue.

Yesterday she had a very public meltdown in the middle of our street, literally. We went out to ride bikes and one of her friends was outside at the same time. After her friend went inside, the downward spiral began. "Mom, can I see if xxx wants to play?" Lucky me got to be the bearer of bad news -- they're doing homework, they're not home, they're playing somewhere else, etc. Then, she spotted some kids down the road and ran over to see what they were doing. She proceeded to run back to me, begging to go play. "Were you invited to play?" I asked (we have this conversation A LOT about not inviting yourself) and I got the usual "No... But they're my friends." It's hard to get a 4-year old to understand that sometimes kids don't want to include everyone. I'm not sure if it was her not being invited or me saying no but I was quickly on the receiving end of a lot of yelling and crying. After several attempts of being very calm and trying to get her to settle down, I told her I was going inside. Her meltdown continued for the neighbors to see, bike helmet still on her head. *sigh*

Today, I was on the receiving end of several comments including "you're so mean," "I wish dad stayed home instead of you," and "I want dad to take me bed every night not you." Psychologists and child 'experts' will tell you that kids are abusive (so to speak) to the person they know isn't going anywhere. Their "safe place."

As nice as it is to know that I'm her rock, I hate the abuse. I already feel like an "okay" mom and the negative comments don't help me feel like I'm winning Mother of the Year anytime soon. All they do is get me upset and angry to the point of silently cursing her in my head or making a strangling motion when her back is turned to me.

Please tell me I'm not the only one!

A crisis of faith

I've been debating posting this for long time now. It's been running in my head for months now, but I guess I've been scared to hear the comments, feel the backlash, and maybe even alienate friends and family.

You see, I was raised Catholic. Roman Catholic to be exact. I received all of my sacraments, went to CCD, and even got married in a Catholic church. I considered myself to be a Catholic the majority of my life. But now, I'm not so sure.

I've been participating in a Bible study with other Catholic women and to be honest, I've felt like an impostor. There are things in my life that directly contradict my religion. For example, I divorced my Catholic ex-husband. We never had marriage annulled. (Heck, I'm pretty sure that means that technically, I'm not part of the Catholic Church anymore.) Based on my personal beliefs, I'd most likely be categorized as a "Cafeteria Catholic." In reading the passages for the study, I keep coming back to the thought that religion in the Bible seems so much simpler than in real life. God put forth Ten Commandments, the golden rule (to treat others as you would want to be treated), and sent his Son to teach us how to be good, God-loving people. But religion gas given us so many other rules to follow.

As I've mentioned before, I'm an avid reader of the blog Momastery. Amidst its silly stories about parenting, heart wrenching tales of people in need, and observations about everyday life there is a central theme -- Love wins.

Momastery has taken on a life of its own. It isn't just words on a screen, but a community of women who loves everyone, as they would themselves. Who donate money via love flash mobs to complete strangers because those strangers are in need and these women have the means to help. Who truly believe that love is all around even when you are so far down, you can't believe it still exists.

In a lot of ways, that is what I want my church to be. A place full of compassion, giving, and God's love no matter who you are.

Both of my kids have been baptized Catholic, despite my husband not being a Catholic himself. They have godparents and go to CCD and maybe in the end, that's how it will stay. Maybe I'll remain a Cafeteria Catholic and watch them partake in the same sacraments I did. I'm not really sure.

I will continue to follow God's Commandments and the Golden Rule, to thank Him every day for the health, happiness, and safety of myself, my husband, my children, and my friends and family. Right now, that's all I know.

Forty days

I'm Catholic and it's Lent. Naturally, the guilt has kicked in and I've been thinking of what I can give up for the season. I racked my brain for a few days with little result. Then, I was at a meeting with other Catholic women and we talked about Lent and how it doesn't mean having to give up something, it can be an opportunity to give to others or to improve your life. With that said, I'm going with improving my life by stopping swearing. I told my husband my plan last night and he said "Shouldn't you choose something you KNOW you can do?"

He has a point. I don't think I'm a potty mouth by any means, but when I get angry or upset, they certainly flow with ease. But I've decided to (try and) put and end to it. This will include all the regular curse words and some of the substitute ones (like frickin'). In truth, I'm doing it not just for me, but for my kids.

Side story: My 4-year old has used frickin' twice. Once, when she came in our room to wake us up and said "Ugh... I can't turn this frickin' fan off" and then again when I took her to a kids' haircut place and she said "There's TVs frickin' everywhere." We've since had the talk about how that is not a kid word. 

So, here's to trying! Hopefully I won't end up like this instead:

A blessing and a curse

I don't know about you, but the holidays were crazy around here. We live in a four-bedroom townhouse style home. It's not large by any means, but it holds us (and all our stuff) pretty well. This being our first Christmas back within driving distance of our family, I knew it was going to be crazy. I had the kids do a pre-Christmas purge (thank you Elf on the Shelf) which emptied the toy room considerably and freed up lots of space in their toy box.

But then Christmas came. Despite my pleas to the three sets of grandparents to keep it under control, the kids got a lot of stuff. And I mean A LOT. We are blessed with a very generous family.

My husband and I didn't ask for anything except money to put toward an iPad. We wound up with a refurbished model from Apple which is turning out to be a blessing and a curse. It is definitely helping me to save my phone battery and is much easier on my 39-year old eyes when browsing websites or playing games. However, it's a curse because it's just one more thing for the kids to fight over. 

Sam has had an iPod for years so she's accustomed to navigating it, knowing how the apps work, etc. She's darn tech savvy for being four. Danny on the other hand wants to play with it but doesn't have the ability to do it well. In the middle of watching Mickey Mouse, he hits the home button and the show ends. Tears ensue. I've tried finding more age friendly apps, but I'm coming up short. 

All technology is really a blessing and a curse though, isn't it? In a world where you can instantly communicate with someone, you also expect them to instantly communicate back. I've found myself staring at my phone thinking What could you possibly be doing? This is important! But really, was it that important? Nobody was dying. I wasn't in a car crash. I just needed to know if we needed more milk so I didn't have to make a second trip.

And then there are the expectations of social media -- sympathy for your crappy day, compliments on a new pair of shoes, for people to agree with your political views, birthday wishes, etc. What it gets us instead is a cyber-fight or at it's best, a new perspective.

(On a side note, somehow I got sucked into Instagram and follow a few celebs. Sometimes I wonder if they feel like their lives are a blessing and a curse. On one side you have the money and the recognition and on the other you have people you don't even know calling you ugly, evil or a myriad of other insults.)

One of my New Year's wishes was to try and be less "connected" -- separate myself from the iPhone more often, stop compulsively checking Facebook, only play my game apps a few times a day -- and try to connect more to those I love in person. It's a work in progress, but at least I'm making progress. Hopefully it will be more of a blessing than a curse.

PS -- Speaking of those we love, I got an unexpected present on Christmas Eve. My very own easy button, courtesy of my dad. I guess he reads this afterall! Love you dad  xoxo

This is me. This is what I believe.

It seems to me that we are a country that wants to have it both ways. The have your cake and eat it too mentality.

* We mourn the senseless killing of school children but refuse to change gun control laws. I'm not a hunter nor do I shoot for fun but I still don't see why ANYONE in this country needs to own a semi-automatic assault weapon. I've seen posts saying that the teachers should be armed. Really? Where does that mentality stop? Because you know when the next shooting happens it will be at a hospital or a day care center. Do we arm all those workers too? How about the 15 year old taking your ticket at the movie theater?

And while we are talking about regulating things, how about rules for the media? Instead of competing for ratings, respect the family and friends of the victims instead of ambushing them looking for quotes or photos, clogging up their streets and churches you send one person -- for all of you (like the AP) -- and let them grieve in peace?

* We are a country founded on religious freedom, as long as it is our religion everyone is following. The theme of "put God back in school" has been popular. Sorry, I believe in God but don't ever recall praying in school. We said the pledge of allegiance but that was all I heard of God in school. Two recurring themes in the Bible are for people to teach their children/next generation about God despite what people say around them. The other is that not everyone will follow God and that's ok. He's not happy about it, but (if you believe) when the time comes and we are all judged He will sort it out. We are encouraged to share our beliefs and not be scared to voice them from the mountaintops, NOT to force them down people's throats.

* We mourn the loss of the unborn, but shun those alive and in need. You fight for an unborn child to be saved and then once it's parent can't afford food or clothes or can't find a job, turn your back because they're "mooching" off of the system. That's not pro- life, that's pro-birth.

* We cry for parents that leave their children too soon due to undiagnosed conditions and cancer but refuse to fund programs that would have found it in the first place. How does that make sense? As any of our parents have told us, money doesn't grow on trees. If you want to play, you have to pay. Literally. You want better healthcare? Better schools? More police? It costs money. The dreaded T word -- taxes. We have all seen the alternative and very few seem happy with it.

* We are a country that prides ourselves on being "one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." We could not be a more divided nation short of a second civil war. I've already covered the under God part. There is no liberty for those enslaved to bills, or mental illness, or any other number of things that we fall subject to. As far as justice? I don't believe the victims families of Newtown will ever feel like justice has been served.

We are a nation that rallies together when tragedy strikes. We donate our time and our money, we organize food and coat drives, and we pray to God on behalf complete strangers -- act as many would term Christian.

Imagine what an amazing country we would live in if we did that everyday.

Christmas is for giving

Despite my complaints, I know that I am lucky. I have two healthy children, a roof over my head, food on the table, and are relatively debt-free. I do my best to give to others during the Christmas season and want to teach my kids to do the same. See, they're a bit spoiled. They have three sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles who all hear "I like Jake" and next thing you know there's Jake plates and t-shirts and toys and books. Admittedly, sometimes I'm not much better.

This year I'm starting a new tradition with the kids. They will be receiving a letter from their Elf, Jack. The letter is from Santa looking for their help to give him toys for other children who don't have as much as they do and to put the items in a special sack he has sent. Once they're collected, I plan on donating them to a local church.

The letter is kind of cheesy, but here it is in case anyone else wants to use it. Obviously, Santa still needs to sign it. You can get your own Santa sack here.